Tuned Up founder and fearless leader, Ryan Getz, is getting married! As a music aficionado, I’m sure that Ryan has picked out the perfect songs for his wedding and reception. And I’m telling him (and you), toss all that out. Because my gift for this auspicious occasion is to create the most important list for the most important day (so far) of Ryan’s life. So, we’re going to go through the wedding, step-by-step, and give it the worst (best) soundtrack you could imagine.

Prelude: Sunn O))) voiD

The guests are arriving, the bridesmaids and groomsmen are gathering for last minute instructions, and the clock is ticking up to start time. What kind of music should be played during this time? Only the best for Ryan! Typically, you want something instrumental, light, and romantic. But what if instead, we played something doomy, droning, and altogether unsettling. That’s where ambient drone kings Sunn O))) come in. And with their 2000 album Void, clocking in at a cool 58 minutes, it’s the perfect amount of time to remind everyone of the endless abyss of time and existence that is holy matrimony. You have to be sure to play this at ear-bleeding levels for the full effect, just like the band intended.

Processional: Recorder by Candlelight “My Heart Will Go On”

Okay, now it’s time to seat the parents and grandparents. Ryan, groomsmen and/or other male family members will get the privilege of escorting in these most honorable guests. The men will give hugs, tear up a little, and then take their place up front for the main event.

Then the bridesmaids will enter, all wearing dresses that match the color scheme of the wedding. These also happen have some very strange patterns and cuts, ensuring that they can never be worn again in public.

These are special moments that deserve a special song. And what song is more endearing than Celine Dion’s 1997 record-smashing hit “My Heart Will Go On?” Yet still, we want to keep it mostly instrumental, and so we turn to Recorder by Candlelight’s enchanting, frequently poorly played version that is sure to cause the grandmothers to give the soundperson the evil side eye.

The Bride Enters: Sarah Brand “Red Dress”

The song choice for the bridal entrance is critical. It needs to reflect the beauty and character of the bride. She needs to be presented as lovely and powerful, the most important woman at the event. So anyway, here’s a song that’s the opposite of all those things.

I had never heard of Sarah Brand or this song until another Tuned Up writer made the suggestion. I’m not grateful. Brand wanted to do a social experiment by recording such hideous vocals that it couldn’t be ignored, and of course it went viral. The whole thing makes my stomach want to burst out of my skin. Which is exactly what Ryan will be feeling when Katie walks down the aisle. And now, so will everybody else.

Recessional: Crosby, Still, and Nash “Love The One You’re With”

The vows and rings have been exchanged, the couple has kissed, and they’ve been pronounced man and wife to thunderous applause. It’s time to celebrate! And the recessional is going to set the tone for the party. You need something upbeat, something that makes you want to clap and get up and dance. That’s where rock legends CSN (no Neil Young on this one) come in with their banger of a track. It hits all the right notes, musically. And the chorus is oh so catchy. And don’t worry about the lyrics. “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.”

There’s no ominous or subliminal messaging going on about the state of Ryan and Katie’s relationship, or all marriage relationships represented at the wedding. Just vibe with it. Now give out your hugs and handshakes, and boogie on over to the reception hall where you will eat too many Swedish meatballs before doing an INCREDIBLE and IMPRESSIVE job dancing the Wobble.

BONUS-FIRST DANCE: The Rolling Stones-“You Can’t Always Get What You Want”

Storytime. I am a professional wedding DJ. As part of my job, I have to take requests and sift through what is and is not appropriate to play at the event. For example, “Uptown Funk” is a perfectly appropriate song to play at a reception. And OF COURSE I can put on the Cha-Cha slide. However, I’m not going to play Buckcherry’s “Crazy Bitch,” no matter how many times to drunkenly slur it into my face.

At the very first wedding I ever DJ’d, a man came up to me while they were still serving food and requested “you can’t always get what you want but if you try sometimes you get what you need by the rolling stones.” I responded with my now go-to phrase when someone makes a request that I absolutely will not fulfill: “I’ll have to see if I have it.” Look fool, I have Apple Music and Spotify and can play ANYTHING. But you don’t know that, so I’ll tell you “Sorry, I don’t have the song.”

Anyways, “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” is a great song about relationships and connections made, and also politics and drugs and death. And like the aforementioned “Love the One You’re With,” it suggests that perhaps the bride or the groom is not actually what the other wants. Not exactly the messaging you want at a wedding.

I blew that man off that day. But today, we’re back at it baby! Let’s not only play that song, but let’s play it at the point in the reception where everything is quiet and all eyes are on the couple, soaking in the words and imagining how they apply to Ryan and Katie. We’re gonna crank the Stones to 11 and party all night long! Who’s with me?